An excerpt for critique and consumption

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An excerpt for critique and consumption

Post  Harrow on Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:17 pm

An excerpt from Bandit Country, a piece of writing I hope to finish within the decade.
It's short, and so should be fairly bearable to sit through.

Note that all my indents don't translate over. In MSWord this isn't just a hardy wall of text.

“Keep moving, you feckless dullard!”
Reuben had little time to wonder just what a feck was and how it would be possible for one to lose theirs, before Bali and said feckless dullard came crashing through the office door.
Reuben bolted upright, the side of his right hand meeting his forehead in a wonky salute.
“Ah- sir!” he exclaimed, surprise taking any real grandeur out of his response.
“Brinstaag, get out. This impetuous scatterbrain and I have business to attend to; business of the spearhead variety.”
Bali’s tone of voice reflected his mood like a mirror reflecting the imperfections of a peasant girl ready to hit the town on a blustery Friday night. The impetuous scatterbrain was a young man, gaunt and short, with messy blonde hair and a broken nose trickling fresh blood. Reuben was used to such sights by now; what with this being the third beaten-up ingrate Bali had brought to his office. Still, it was a little strange- Vladimir Yaroslavovich Balinov did not seem like a violent man at first glance. His words were sleek and refined, his appearance always at the highest standards and his body language giving the impression of a man so laid back he was horizontal.
“What are you doing here, anyway? You should be strolling back home, trying not to get lynched by dock-scum. “
Bali pushed the fustian cretin onto a chair and closed the shutters of his office. He then passed a firm glance at Reuben, awaiting an answer.
“I was just fetching my crossbow, Sir. Algren and I be heading off to the Gutted Narwhal for a celebration or two-“
“Then hurry up and leave,” Bali snarled with a mild hint of revulsion.
Reuben could sense impatience, and knew things were going to get bloody once he left.
He grabbed his crossbow from the table and loaded a few bolts into his satchel. Reuben made for the door, but before leaving turned back to ask,
“Who’s that? The bloke in the chair, I mean.”
Bali didn’t turn his head when he answered. He was loading a crossbow of his own- Reuben could just see the glint of a bolt head resting on the table.
“Some fifth-clan wretch who had the tenacity to spy on us. He was carrying many important doctrines with him, and I’m sure he’s got more locked away in his mind. I’ll find a use for him, I’m sure.”
Reuben gave a sound akin to a chuckle. (though the matter was far from funny to him)
“When you’re… finished, feel free to come along. Me and Algren’d be glad to-“

“I don’t drink with commoners.”

* * *

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Re: An excerpt for critique and consumption

Post  Crustacean Freak on Fri Apr 22, 2011 6:37 pm

Excellent use of language. I really enjoyed the unique vocabulary you used. It gives a real sense of place. "his body language giving the impression of a man so laid back he was horizontal." That bit was wonderful. I haven't heard that phrase before, but it works so well. Your writing style seems unique because of your use of language. You've got decent sentence structure, too. Keep it up, I want to read more of this!

Also, for formatting stuff, I'd recommend getting a Tumblr account and linking to it. Yes, I know, it's kind've lame, but it retains all the formatting from Microsoft Word just from pasting it over.
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