Coffee Shop Shakedown

Considering this forum seems to be more dedicated to writing than SSLF, I thought perhaps I would try to get some thoughtful advice and comments from the fine gentlemen of this place. I recently finished up a quick and violent short story for my fiction writing class as my final assignment. I'm not as satisfied with it as I was with Bookends.

Coffee Shop Shakedown (On Tumblr)

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Do you write under a pseudonym, or is Cameron Peacock your actual name? If it's actually your name, you have the greatest last name ever.

Anyway, this was pretty damn tragic, but really well written. I like how well you establish the setting of the coffee shop, it comes across really well. So...I like!

I didn't even know you had a blag. Anyway, Imma follow that, there's some interesting stuff on it. And I'll try and read those short stories of yours ASAP.

Taco: Thanks! And yeah, my real name is Cameron Peacock.

Hehe, Peacock. Anyways, I really like your writing. It seems like you actually care about what you write and you put thought into every detail. Words seem as if they are chosen individually, not written by phrase.

I'm glad to gave another writer on here, Crustacean. Anyway, not exactly my cup of tea, but very well written. The metaphors are interesting and gruesomely engaging. It's my personal preference to lay off on the cusses, but since it's your story, that's your call. Also, try to give a bit of background into Sean and Melanie's relationship so that he has a really good motive for shooting her. Any guy can break up with a girl for cheating, unless he thinks they had a really special relationship and she completely ruins it by making a stupid choice. This story really reminds me of an opening to an episode of CSI, where there's a cool story behind the murder that is shown in the beginning.